i knew that my life would change before it actually did...

i absolutely remeber the day when it was late at night, and i was talking to my friend on the phone...just 2 days before my family had to move to ghaziabad...leaving behind an accomodation which was my 'actual home'.
that was the day i could feel a void...a huge aort of vacum in my heart. i knew that my life would change ...i so knew it.... i was low and remorseful...my friend cheered me up saying that the change is inevitable... maybe it was for good.... i had no options but to believe it...
now, after almost two years i realised that change is inevitable...but not necessarily it turns out to be for something good...
ever since i moved from there...life has shown me what people generally term as a "struggle". a struggle not to be the fittest amongst the lot in order to survive but i am going through a metamorphosis....
why go far, my supposed love, thinks that i am a liar... that to a habitual one!!! and i have completely no defense... i do not know where am i wrong??? have i mistaken in understanding him and his desires??? or maybe i am wrong in projecting my life.... there is a lot that i go through everyday... at the age of 23, i have a debt of somewhere close to 4laks to pay... i am struggling every moment to breathe... the irony is sich that i cant even put an end to it... i dont know how to live...i have cpmpletely forgotten to feel the simple pleasures of life....something that i was very good at when i was young....
choked!!!!

CROSSROAD

been long thati wrote something... but i couldnt have passed the day without writing today....19th January... my cousin gave birth a baby girl... before i moved to mumbai i always knew that i would be away from my family....my circuit...around whom my life revolves... but today i felt the actual feeling of being away.... i coundnt be there to see the baby... couldnt be there to touch the tenderness and feel the warmth of an infant. completely my loss... i couldnt see her right after birth....someone who might just look like me...( the maternal genes).

also , early in the morning today i fought with Mathew... we fight every second day...but today's was a lot different.... i am actually scared of losing him... i knew when love knocked my door...i very well knew what was i getting into... all this is ok...but what i am not ok with is that , i am unable to see beyond him... i do not see a life... if i do not marry him...i see myself in mumbai....as a writer...maybe by then an independent one... but all alone!!! for the first time in my life i am scared to be left alone... everything that has happened to my life till now, have left me at either bays... but this has got me to a standstill... i want to think from my head andlet my head only over rule my heart... but its just not happenening.... i fight with him....i hold myself for a moment or two....but then again i am weak on my knees.... why is that so?? its not like we have known each other since years.... that too a long distance relationship.... i might not be sure about myself on a lot of grounds... but i knew that if a guy is ready to move on...i'll never struggle to get him back.... then why am i so scared?? why am i repeatedly calling/texting him and flooding him with my bullshit.... monetary crisis...my problem....why am i giving him the strain???? i still remeber the day while i was walking my pet...just 2 days before i came to mumbai, to sign my papers in Balaji....i called him up....i didnt think about anything before i called him... not like i was chasing himor something.... it just happened.... then those subsequent meetings....conversations... as though there were some mysterious power which made me do all this????or maybe i was in love much before i could realise it....
is this normal???is love actually this complicated???

confession

i think i should rename my blog to something like an 'agony blog'... true, because, i only write, when i am frustrated, worn out and completely weighed down with life...
there are so many things in my life to crib about...seems like the only thing i know is to crib... i am done cribbing about my career...i have left it on time...until i get a good break, i shall only give the best of my hard working capacities. no actually i have a good one in my hand, one of the best shows on tv...but still i am going through a grind...because, one of the harshest truth on the telle industry is, that , only, and only, experience counts.
coming back to the true, materialistic me..... i feel uneasy.... stuufed and choked... there is sale all around, on every brand...but yet i cant buy any...because, with the grind comes peanuts. Also, my family is going through a rough financial patch...so cant ask for money.... jeez...am so screwed....
i always am lured by everything thats around me... be it the maybelline collosal kohl, or dvidoff cool water blue, pringles, the fuscia colour nail paint, an off shoulder dress from sisley, or tee shirts from pantaloons, and yes, blackberry curve, thats my new found love... they just keep beckoning me .... and the worst thing is that, everyone around me has it... not only my seniors, who have made it big, but even trainees who joined like me... they have means to fulfill it, parents boyfriends etc... good for them, but , i get jealous. why do they have to show it to me, ad kill a bruised soul even more??? why cant i have whatever i feel like??? when will all this end? i do not have any regrets from god, but one....why did god, initially give my parents , the ability to buy me evrything....and then take it back all of a sudden?? its hard and extremely remorseful.... i have to be chirpy and in the guise of being happy.... but i am not... isnt it human, to be lured??? isnt it normal to have wishes???? if only god listens to prayers, i want everything mentioned above, and many more... and you will only have to help me buy those.... why do i exist, only coz god wanted me to....hence , he should be the one fulfilling my prayers... fill the people around me, with the wisdom, to not torture me, showing off their shopping....untill, i am capable to falunt it back.....
truly agonised....

another patch....rough or smooth...no clue!

i so conveniently can find the current stage of my life in this quote.
i am somewhere happy and somewhere sad,somewhere relieved and somewhere tensed, somewhere content and somewhere insecure.
on occasions i feel that i just cant ask for anything more,and on some i feel why does happiness comes in small packages.
i am bewildered and lost in such oscillations of life.
on some occasions i feel like just giving it away and on some i really try hard to hold back.
all's well and all's not well....maybe i have to encounter the worst or the best.
perhaps its just a part of maturing or maybe this is my incorrect contemplation.
everything seems so new and on some occasions so worn out!
en strangled with these , i eagerly wait for this patch to go.....as i don't mind being happy or to suffer,its just the fear or the anxiety that is in tamable!

touch wood....

hhuuuhh!!!semister end! exams round the corner! race for summer internships!!but why am i not taxed by the above factors??scary huh! nah!maybe its contentment. For the first time in life....i dont feel like holding back,i dont wanna think,i so want to escape the clutter of my mind and the brightest of all...i m sort of convincd to broaden!its not that all sombre factors of my life have finished!everything is so damn same,yet the 'gypsy me' is unleashed!this is perhaps of of the lightest patches of life! sometimes i wonder that has god really started to think about me,but on other occassions i think that whatever it might be.....its BEAUTIFUL!this phase would be the unforgetable time of life! a time that would never give my regrets in life! when i'll be amidst pain...perchance both emotional and physical, i'll recollect honey memories of this phase and combat pain!yaaay !! i am just so happy.....

just another blog

Almost at the end of this year!
With a true belief that 2010 would be positive, promising, and of course a better world altogether!
This year has been both testing and taxing! Right now after reading “eleven minutes” and embarking on “Brida” I feel some kind of a feeling that puts me away from the regular norms of the society but then still I am raged ! There’s a lot that contribute to this frustration!
I have taken up fagging, the finances of my family are diminishing….and the moolah factor has a worse than adverse affect on me!
I cant buy clothes, cant go out to have fun…every other thought in my minds has a calculator attached.. the irony is that I still am not improving on my calculations. Market research calculations freak me out every time! Jeez I am so ducked!
“there’s a prostitute as well as a house wife in every woman” .this is a very intense and a true line quoted by Mr. Paulo Coelho. There is a “skin hunter” as well as a home spun female in a woman who looks out for adulation and security. Both these sides should meet in a very careful and a correct manner else the results could be devastating.
Never knew that I would be a loner in this world full of people….sounds dramatic but its hell true!
My friends are busy managing their love and life! I was never that close to my family! Don’t really wanna date ! am just stuck!
Eagerly waiting for this year to end….
I know there would no miracle at in the new year, but at least that would brake a severe monotony.
I have a numerous questions in my mind! The answers to them are impossible to get! nothing is easy bloody everything has an expensive tag!
I am filled with negativity!! Bad! I know! But every time I try to kick-start with a new vibe, something pulls me down! When would this end?? When?
I am NOT SCARED of being tried ……. But I am a bit exhausted repeating the same trial drill every time!

Phoenix

What am I running away from? Exactly what?
The miseries of my life ,family,…or myself!
Each day I wake up to the idleness of life. I have no p.o.a! No place to go! no goal to achieve! No dream to tame!....where on earth is that spark lost?
Why did it all have to end?------this poignant question has absolutely no answer!
But weirder is the fact that I know I am not reaching anywhere! yet walking>>>
Why am I doing this? Am I just adding more to the things that have already gone wrong with me?
Have I really crossed that line that lies between love and hate…or am I still lingering on the periphery of it???
Am I living unnoticed? or in someone else’s shell…..
I don’t know what it is? But one thing that my inner self wants my skin to know is that what lies beneath is the embryo of renaissance! An egg that gets not the cosy but the blistering warmth to hatch into someone who’s rock –solid and refuses to give up.

An Achillies ’s incarnation who’s born without the fatal heel.