i knew that my life would change before it actually did...

i absolutely remeber the day when it was late at night, and i was talking to my friend on the phone...just 2 days before my family had to move to ghaziabad...leaving behind an accomodation which was my 'actual home'.
that was the day i could feel a void...a huge aort of vacum in my heart. i knew that my life would change ...i so knew it.... i was low and remorseful...my friend cheered me up saying that the change is inevitable... maybe it was for good.... i had no options but to believe it...
now, after almost two years i realised that change is inevitable...but not necessarily it turns out to be for something good...
ever since i moved from there...life has shown me what people generally term as a "struggle". a struggle not to be the fittest amongst the lot in order to survive but i am going through a metamorphosis....
why go far, my supposed love, thinks that i am a liar... that to a habitual one!!! and i have completely no defense... i do not know where am i wrong??? have i mistaken in understanding him and his desires??? or maybe i am wrong in projecting my life.... there is a lot that i go through everyday... at the age of 23, i have a debt of somewhere close to 4laks to pay... i am struggling every moment to breathe... the irony is sich that i cant even put an end to it... i dont know how to live...i have cpmpletely forgotten to feel the simple pleasures of life....something that i was very good at when i was young....
choked!!!!

CROSSROAD

been long thati wrote something... but i couldnt have passed the day without writing today....19th January... my cousin gave birth a baby girl... before i moved to mumbai i always knew that i would be away from my family....my circuit...around whom my life revolves... but today i felt the actual feeling of being away.... i coundnt be there to see the baby... couldnt be there to touch the tenderness and feel the warmth of an infant. completely my loss... i couldnt see her right after birth....someone who might just look like me...( the maternal genes).

also , early in the morning today i fought with Mathew... we fight every second day...but today's was a lot different.... i am actually scared of losing him... i knew when love knocked my door...i very well knew what was i getting into... all this is ok...but what i am not ok with is that , i am unable to see beyond him... i do not see a life... if i do not marry him...i see myself in mumbai....as a writer...maybe by then an independent one... but all alone!!! for the first time in my life i am scared to be left alone... everything that has happened to my life till now, have left me at either bays... but this has got me to a standstill... i want to think from my head andlet my head only over rule my heart... but its just not happenening.... i fight with him....i hold myself for a moment or two....but then again i am weak on my knees.... why is that so?? its not like we have known each other since years.... that too a long distance relationship.... i might not be sure about myself on a lot of grounds... but i knew that if a guy is ready to move on...i'll never struggle to get him back.... then why am i so scared?? why am i repeatedly calling/texting him and flooding him with my bullshit.... monetary crisis...my problem....why am i giving him the strain???? i still remeber the day while i was walking my pet...just 2 days before i came to mumbai, to sign my papers in Balaji....i called him up....i didnt think about anything before i called him... not like i was chasing himor something.... it just happened.... then those subsequent meetings....conversations... as though there were some mysterious power which made me do all this????or maybe i was in love much before i could realise it....
is this normal???is love actually this complicated???