confession

i think i should rename my blog to something like an 'agony blog'... true, because, i only write, when i am frustrated, worn out and completely weighed down with life...
there are so many things in my life to crib about...seems like the only thing i know is to crib... i am done cribbing about my career...i have left it on time...until i get a good break, i shall only give the best of my hard working capacities. no actually i have a good one in my hand, one of the best shows on tv...but still i am going through a grind...because, one of the harshest truth on the telle industry is, that , only, and only, experience counts.
coming back to the true, materialistic me..... i feel uneasy.... stuufed and choked... there is sale all around, on every brand...but yet i cant buy any...because, with the grind comes peanuts. Also, my family is going through a rough financial patch...so cant ask for money.... jeez...am so screwed....
i always am lured by everything thats around me... be it the maybelline collosal kohl, or dvidoff cool water blue, pringles, the fuscia colour nail paint, an off shoulder dress from sisley, or tee shirts from pantaloons, and yes, blackberry curve, thats my new found love... they just keep beckoning me .... and the worst thing is that, everyone around me has it... not only my seniors, who have made it big, but even trainees who joined like me... they have means to fulfill it, parents boyfriends etc... good for them, but , i get jealous. why do they have to show it to me, ad kill a bruised soul even more??? why cant i have whatever i feel like??? when will all this end? i do not have any regrets from god, but one....why did god, initially give my parents , the ability to buy me evrything....and then take it back all of a sudden?? its hard and extremely remorseful.... i have to be chirpy and in the guise of being happy.... but i am not... isnt it human, to be lured??? isnt it normal to have wishes???? if only god listens to prayers, i want everything mentioned above, and many more... and you will only have to help me buy those.... why do i exist, only coz god wanted me to....hence , he should be the one fulfilling my prayers... fill the people around me, with the wisdom, to not torture me, showing off their shopping....untill, i am capable to falunt it back.....
truly agonised....